There are few things certain in this journey. I can count on a few things that will always seem to come through. One is that I will wake up just a few minutes before my alarm goes off. Then I will lie there and think about why I shouldn’t fall back to sleep. Then I will fall back asleep and hit snooze at least twice. The best sleep is the 8.59 minutes between snooze alarms.
Another thing to count on is that salty food is what I crave. Cake, candy, cupcakes, pie, ice cream they are all fine and dandy, but holy hell, give me some salty cashews, peanuts, Chex mix, or Dorito’s and I will devour them. SALT, that is what I want. Hell, give me a salt block and I will just sit there and lick the son of a bitch.
The wind will blow on sunny days. Car tires will be low when it’s cold outside. My cat will sit on my lap, or desk or keyboard when I am trying to do something ‘important’. I will be cranky when everyone else is in a good mood. I will be broke when there is fun to be had. My socks won’t match each other, and if they do, they won’t match my outfit. I will be wearing converse when it’s raining. I will cry when this song plays…
drunk by noon on new year’s day
In the hills outside of town some place
With the smoke and the wine
And a stranger's eyes
Smoke and the wine and the whiskey don't mix
Shaken' so bad, think I'm gonna be sick
Buy 'another scotch as I head to the door
Now it won't make me better
But I want to make sure
Now hold, me close,
I love you more than you know
And I step outside
Now I drank away all of my fears and my doubts
Stole away hearts from town to town
Now the things I fear
Come back here
I feel the cold ground underneath my boots
For no good reason it reminds me of you
Never made good, though I tried and I tried
So I turn back around...
And I walk inside
Now hold, me close
I love you more than you know
Now hold, me close
I love you more than you know
and that won't make things right
In the hills outside of town some place
With the smoke and the wine
And a stranger's eyes
Smoke and the wine and the whiskey don't mix
Shaken' so bad, think I'm gonna be sick
Buy 'another scotch as I head to the door
Now it won't make me better
But I want to make sure
Now hold, me close,
I love you more than you know
And I step outside
Now I drank away all of my fears and my doubts
Stole away hearts from town to town
Now the things I fear
Come back here
I feel the cold ground underneath my boots
For no good reason it reminds me of you
Never made good, though I tried and I tried
So I turn back around...
And I walk inside
Now hold, me close
I love you more than you know
Now hold, me close
I love you more than you know
and that won't make things right
And if you can’t see my tears, that is because they are on the inside. That is one thing that is certain. I’m keeping them on the inside.
Speaking of keeping things on the inside… This self-centered egocentric thing I am trying to do, this ‘blog’, it’s supposed to be helping me to not be a high pressure chamber. I am not sure how this is going to work. I feel foolish spending time exploring my own thoughts and desires and those stupid, stupid things called –feelings-. What is the point of this? I have no inspiration, no flame, not even a spark. I used to have all those things but I think this is such a pointless activity. It is about the most selfish thing one can do. Sit type and post to the intrawebs what I am thinking about, what I am doing, what I am going to do or what I have done. I don’t know, maybe it’s really not that bad. I mean I do update my Facebook status at least once a day, usually much more that that. Is that not also a self-centered activity?
I guess it is because this is supposed to be about ME, not just something funny or whimsical. Eh, I feel lame. I feel that starting this blogging train again is not necessarily a good idea. I am not sure I really want to delve into the things I have been bottling up since I quit writing. I am afraid that once it gets rolling, I am actually going to have to deal with this shit that I don’t wanna think about. I kind of have a mental list of things that I don’t think about.
In no particular order…
Douchebag ex-boyfriend, Brother’s douchette ex-girlfriend and the drama that surrounds those two people and the horrible events wrapping all that shit together.
My ‘bff’ PRJ, and the whole mess that was our lives before he got married. This is directly tied to the ‘problem’ listed above.
My BFF Anna and MS. There are a lot of things to worry about here, yet she is always my rock. I have guilt for not being there for her more.
The ongoing struggle with my love/hate of rabbits. This seems self-explanatory, but eh, it’s kinda complicated actually.
The fear I have that my ex-bf Tom is right. I am cold hearted and incapable of love. That I am never really sorry for my actions, I just feel sorry for people, pity, etc. I don’t care about other people; I just act like I do.
The growing up of my only child. He is 16. This is so scary.
And of course there is the mess of my dead friend.
Quite frankly, I don’t really want to think about any of these things.
So yeah. I don’t want my blog to be filled with self-loathing dribble. Melodramatic, boring recaps of the past and why I am a mess today.
I want to write about how I love life and sunshine and the music I am listening to. I want to tell the stories of who I am and why I am wasting this space, sucking this air and drinking this beer. I suppose to get to the stories of how great these things are I may have to explore a bit about how I got here. There are a couple boxes in the attic of my mind that need to be gone through. I hope to take a bunch of that rubbish to the trash in the process.
Tidying up my mind. I want to tell stories again. I hope I will.
