Most likely to write a blog

"I keep having dreams
Of pioneers and pirate ships and Bob Dylan
Of people wrapped up tight in the things that will kill them
Of being trapped in a lift plunging straight to the bottom
Of open seas and ways of life we've forgotten
I keep having dreams
Amy worked in a bar in Exeter
I went back to her house and I slept beside her
She woke up screaming in the middle of the night
Terrified of her own insides
Dreams of pirate ships and Patty Hearst
Breaking through a life over-rehearsed
She can't remember which came first
The house, the home, or the terrible thirst
She keeps having dreams
And on the worst days
When it feels like life weighs ten thousand tons
She's got her cowboy boots and car keys on the bedstand
So she can always run
She can get up, shower, and in half an hour she'll be gone
I keep having dreams of things I need to do
And waking up but not following through
But it feels like I haven't slept at all
When I wake to a silence and she's facing the wall
Posters of Dylan and of Hemingway
An antique compass for a sailor's escape
She says you just can't live this way
And I close my eyes and I never say
I'm still having dreams
And on the worst days
When it feels like life weighs ten thousand tons
I sleep with my passport
One eye on the back door
So I can always run
I can get up, shower, and in half an hour I'll be gone
And come morning
I am disappeared
Just an imprint on the bedsheets
I'm by the roadside with my thumb out
A car pulls up, and Bob's driving
So I climb in
We don't say a word
As we pull off into the sunrise
And these rivers of tarmac are like arteries across the country
We are blood cells alive in the bloodstream
The beating heart of the country
We are electric pulses
In the pathways of the sleeping soul of the country
We are electric pulses
In the pathways of the sleeping soul of the country
We are electric pulses
The sleeping soul of the country
The sleeping soul of the country
The sleeping soul of the country"

I keep having dreams.  Mine are usually less lyrical yet never short on the simple beauty of things that I don't actually hold in my hands. Like painting a small pony's hooves hot pink with a Musician Hero of mine and his nieces, while he wears a striking scarlet button up shirt and signature black trousers; hair coif and perfect in the trademark disorder.  A smile the light up the world and nothing but the light of life and vitality in his eyes as they look at me.

And of course I look common and plain in comparison, but always better than I feel on the daily, with shiny hair and a smile.

This clutching feeling in my chest when I remember these dreams, that seem so real while my eyes are shut that when I wake up they stay with me all day and into forever. I am compelled to share them with friends and only tweak a few details and leave out the pieces which pinch that beating device inside my chest and squeeze the parts of me that are shut off to the rest of the world. I keep those for myself. Those parts that are just too good to share. The whispers and the looks that are more real in the dream than any thing in my waking life. Are these the things my subconscious longs for but are so locked up that they do not get to see sunlight? Because it's so far from existing that I can't even admit that I do indeed feel this way? These feelings that make me just a little more vulnerable and a little more human?

So I touched the hand of one of my heroes last night and I felt like I was stealing something that wasn't supposed to be mine. Like I was stealing a touch that I didn't deserve. But I put my hand lightly on top of his while it was on the railing right in front of me. And I felt like a creeper and a fangirl and all those durogatory nouns that people fling at girls that admire musicians to make their own adoration seem more normal.  I know that if I had tried a little harder I could shake his hand legitimately and probably get a picture and a hug and exchange words and pleasantries like a normal fucking person but I also knew that that was not going to happen. So I reached out my hand and set it on his, for maybe 4 seconds. Likely, one of the less invasive things that's ever happened to this man, but I still feel like I shouldn't have done it.  I do not deserve to touch him.  His hand was remarkably cool and dry considering that he had been singing, dancing and carrying on for the previous 90+ minutes. So these tear just appear in my eyes when I think about this. It might be because I know he is real now that I have touched his hand. The human who's hand I touched is no longer sounds and words on a stage in front of me or coming through my portable stereo, but really real. And maybe that will break the spell? I might be scared of breaking the spell. My magical musical heroes all have spells over me.

This is a hard thing for me. The day after going to see musicians that I hold so close and tight to my heart is always a cascade of various emotions. I'm on a Rollercoaster ride with the ups and downs. I'm not sure if this happens to normal people, well adjusted people, people that know they are people, and that what they think and feel and do is valid and legitimate. People that do what people do. I don't know because I am not one of those people.

I'm a being that would sooner exist in the realm of dreams ... dreams of pirate ships and Bob Dylan.

i dont wanna

lots and lots of things i dont wanna do

but today i'm thinking about summer camp as a kid and why i felt the way i did every time i came home from camp.  I was struck with an overwhelming feeling of loss.  I remember pacing the basement floor (my play area as a kid) back and forth because i had no out let for my feelings.  I had no one to talk to about how lonely i felt leaving my friends at camp.  which were mostly the camp counselors, not often the campers my age.  but a couple times i made a few friends.
why as an 11, 12 or 13 year old was I so incredibly upset to come back home from camp? sure life at home wasn't spectacular, but it wasn't that.  it was that i was grieving over camp being over and saying goodbye to those people and that place.
why was i such a strange child? why was i so melancholy? why was i thrown into such a depression after camp that i could not function for days or weeks after ward? why did my parents do nothing? how could they have not known that something was wrong with me past just being "a little sad" about camp being over?
is this part of the reason that i feel like i have a tenuous connection to real life?

is this part of the things that i feel are wrong with me that have never been right?

is this part of the weirdness i have always felt compared to other people?

have i always been this way?

yes.  i have always been this way.  it is becoming clear to me as i get older and am still alive that i have always been weird.  i have always been different.  i have always had a hard time connecting to other people.  i have always internalized my feelings.  i have always kept my own confidences and my own secrets.  I do not reach out.  i did not reach out as a kid, and i don't as an adult.  i feel ok about not reaching out.  i do not trust other people.

for some reason summer camp seemed like an alternate reality where people weren't these mysterious creatures that randomly hurt you or used your feelings to inflict pain back at you.  summer camp was a time to be the special little flower you were.  we were on an even playing field.

summer camp was pretty much the best part of my childhood.

i regret not fulfilling my dream of going back and being a staff member.   i regret not going to college so i could have been a staff member.  I regret not finishing high school. i regret not going to college.  i regret a lot of things about that.

I am never going to be a 19 or 20 year old in charge of a group of kids who loved that camp as much as i did.

i regret that.

but i also what to know why my parents didn't have me in therapy as a kid to figure out what the hell was wrong with me before it was too late.

i feel like it is definitely too late now.

35 yo elderly man seeks good listener

"My hips hurt today."
"What?"
"I said my hips hurt today. Dunno what I did."
"Probably the weather."
"Yeah."
"I just got here too."

OK, brief synopsis of the Lynx issue.  This is in the Mini Rex breed.  The Mini Rex Standards Committee is proposing changes to the Lynx color description that will change the desired undercolor of the animal.  It is currently to be white or off white with dove grey being desired as undercolor on the belly only.  The change would make dove grey undercolor all over the rabbit desirable, with white or off white to be severely faulted.  It is my understanding that the the majority of Lynx Mini Rex breeders do not want this change for a couple of reasons:
1. Although we know that a true genetic lilac agouti aka Lynx is to be dove grey undercolor, fawn intermediate band with lilac tipping, Lynx have been bred to fit a standard that required a white or off white undercolor.  (which is a DQ in Opals, btw).  So breeders have carefully selected for the animals that are true genetic lynx with white undercolor.  They have produced animals with dove undercolor all over the rabbit, which under the current standard, could easily be DQ'd.  These animals have not consistently reproduced the dove undercolor in their offspring.  There a several factors which tie into this.  I have suspected it is possibly linked to "e" non-extension.  Not too many standards ago, Lynx Mini Rex were genetically Fawns with smut.  Many of the Lynx still carry 'little e' which may be affecting the lightness or darkness of the dove grey undercolor.

Another theory of mine is that "w" wide band could be affecting the undercolor.  Wide band is a gene that is not exactly known and understood as well as say, the dilution, or pattern genes.  Those tend to be cut and dry; Dominant, Recessive etc.  Wide band can do funky things.  Not too many Standards ago, wide band Castors were also permissible.  A wide band castor will look like a Castor with a lot of red showing thru the surface color and will have no slate undercolor on the belly.  They also have a "double wide" intermediate band.  Some of the lynx with off white or white undercolor could be carrying wide band, "Ww".  When Mini Rex were first becoming a breed, wide band was very prevalent. You would see it in Castors, and Opals. Of course you WANT it in Reds for cleaner color, and more Rufus, as wide band and rufus tend to go hand in hand. And since the dilute Reds were shown as Lynx, it ties together.  

A long time ago, when I created my family of Lynx Netherland Dwarfs I also set out to create a wide band lynx, with the memory of the wide band Opal Mini Rex in mind. At that time the Dwarf standard DQ'd for dove undercolor anywhere on the animal.  So I wanted to make a "true' genetic lilac agouti without dove undercolor, that I could show and that was not a smutty Fawn.  When I finally got one, it was a doe and she had no dove undercolor on the belly and none on the top.  However the wide band gene also took away all the ring definition.  It was a long off white undercolor with a muddy blending of lilac and fawn at the outer 1/3 of the hair shaft.  But she was A-bbC-ddE-(ww), a Lilac Agouti. So I kept her and bred her and it's likely that some of my Lynx Dwarfs had a copy of the wide band gene floating around.  They also had white/off white undercolor.  So a combination of these factors, or other unknown factors could be contributing to the cause of the off white undercolor.  I did not prove or disprove either of these theories while breeding Lynx and Fawn Netherland Dwarfs.  Mainly because I wanted to breed Fawns and Lynx together and was not intending to eliminate 'e' from my Lynx.  But, for now that question will not be answered by me, as Amanda and I are no longer breeding Lynx and Fawns.

2. When you produce an animal that has what the genetic literature sites as the 'proper' or 'logical' undercolor, dove grey, these animals may not successfully reproduce themselves.  This can be tied back to them being heterozygous for non-extension, wide band, or unknown factors.  Because the Lynx Mini Rex breeders have not been able to successfully reproduce the dove undercolor over the entire animal from generation to generation, they do not wish to change the standard at this time to something that they see as an enigma.  They view it as going against the hard work and culling to produce animals with white/off white undercolor and the moving away from the Fawns or dilute Reds that used to be shown, and moving to the true Agouti animal we see on the show tables today.

What I would like to see is wording that allows both undercolors.  This may not be possible as the Standard is to be the description of the ideal.  I do not want to see the Lynx variety suffer, because of a strict change in undercolor description to something that has not been proven in the breeding pen.

I do have a few thoughts about how to improve the Lynx variety and increase the chances of dove grey under color.  In addition to breeding out the 'e' and 'w', non-extension and wide band, I recommend breeding Lynx to Opals that show excellent dark undercolor.  The Opals have been culled and selected for intensity of undercolor and definition of ring pattern.  When the Lynx is established as a variety which has dove grey undercolor over the entire animal, then we will start to see animals which will show clear and definite banding; dove grey undercolor, clearly defined Fawn intermediate band, with the lilac and Fawn tipping.  You will not see clear and precise banding on animals with white/off white undercolor, because what ever factor is causing the white undercolor is also muddying up the banding.  Why this phenomenon presents its self in Dilutes and not Normals I do not know.  I believe that it may be linked in part  to the factor that causes some Self Blues to 'snowball' or be 'frosty' as juniors, and sometimes molt out of it as adults.

I am not a Mini Rex breeder at this time, but have raised them in the past.  This is not just a 'Mini Rex' issue to me, it is an issue that affects any Lynx variety, because we are still learning and exploring this color and the genes that make it.  The Standard of Perfection is not a static document, it is malleable and changing.  I definitely believe that we should not change the Standard to fit the animal, but breed the animal that fits the standard, but in cases like these, we may be looking for a language ideal that does not translate to what we are given by nature.  I believe that the Lynx Mini Rex needs time to breed towards a goal, without being forced to throw away what currently exists.

I hate my job

so i need to do things to change my life... Ive been bitching and bitching lately about how much I hate my job.   I love my family and I cant abandon them, but I truly hate my job.  I have no love for the automobile industry.  I also have no education, I never went to college, so therefor all I have is experience.  Experience in things I hate doing, like running a business, doing book work, office stuff, selling cars or other stuff...things I hate.    I don't hate my customers for the most part.  I like talking and interacting with the majority of my customers.  There are a few bad apples of course, and I take a lot of abuse from those bad ones.  But whatever.  I think of what I would do to earn money to survive and to put my son through college and I have no clue.  I don't want to start over at some entry level job in a cube or at a big box retail store.  I don't want to run a damn cash register.  But I am 37 years old and I hate my job which in turn makes me hate my life and is part of the self-hate I have always seemed to deal with.  I can honestly say that I never, ever, ever envisioned myself being 37 and selling cars and running a car lot. I honestly can say that I always had the pie in the sky  dream of doing something with animals and probably wearing a lab coat. But I have never done one single thing to get myself into making that dream a reality.  I always have some lame excuse for why I fuck up everything I touch and never follow through with anything.  My kid tells me I hold him back in some ways by procrastination.  I know he is right, and I know he would be better off with out me around.
to be continued

DRAFT - Orange/Fawn/Cream Lop Color Guide and Holland Lop Standard

The differences between breed color descriptions is part of the uniqueness of individual breeds and is what in part helps keep the breeds from being dull, boring, miniature or gigantic replicas of each other with differing fur structure or ear carriage. I totally see the value of maintaining color guides and standards which are unique and relevant to each separate breed if it is of value to that breed. There are only a few ways you can describe "black" colored animals or "Ruby Eyed White", they are or they are not. There are a few more ways you can describe Chestnut Agouti colored animals, as they may vary in intensity of color, proportion of ticking and darkness or lightness of ticking, clarity of banding, depending partly on on family strain, fur structure from breed to breed; Rex, satin, normal fur, lop fur, length of coat, density of coat, etc etc. As you move to a few other colors on the color genetics spectrum, we start to notice more variance in appearance of colors that may share a basic genetic traits for color, or are theoretically supposed to. This discussion is to be focused on Orange/Fawn/Cream colors in the Lop and Holland Lop colored guide.  First I will say that understanding these colors takes a small dose of color genetics knowledge.  In basic terms all of these colors are agouti patterned, with full expression of yellow pigment, and greatly reduced  expression (aka non-extension) of black pigment.  Some may also be dilute versions of the former, which is exactly what it sounds like, the paler, more pastel version.  These are just the bare bones basic definition of Orange/Cream/Fawn.  Imagine a Chestnut Agouti colored rabbit.  It is helpful to think of the banded portions of the body as being made up of two parts, the yellow/orange and the black/slate. The hair is really all yellow and the black/slate portions are sitting on top of the yellow. Now imagine removing the yellow pigment from the hair.  What is left? a (mostly) solid yellow colored hair, over the portions where there was agouti banding, ticking, undercolor.  We still have lighter areas for belly color, but no undercolor on the belly, still have eye circles, ear lacking etc your familiar agouti patterned markings, but we have no black pigment to show agouti banding.  It's the black pigment that makes the banding.  er the top of the fur removed, what is left is just the yellow portions. But think of it this way, the hair is yellow and the black portions were on top of the yellow hair. which were there where you could see them (intermediate bands an example, we can look at an entry at the ARBA Convention of Orange Netherland Dwarfs and see a wide variety of shades, intensity, clarity of color as well as fur type. They will most likely all fall within the SOP's definition of "Orange Netherland Dwarf" and the fill the definition adequately for proper ND fur type, ranging in quality of coat, length, density, finish etc. Let's assume they all meet minimum requirements and are deemed "Orange Netherland Dwarfs". You could line them up by shade of color. At one end you put the darkest according to Rufus factor, which is richness and intensity of yellow/orange/tawny color, which is what our eye sees of their yellow pigment, at the other end you put the palest colored animals. The ones that show the least amount of intensity of color


 then  average Fawn colored Flemish Giant, an Orange colored Netherland Dwarf and an Orange colored Mini Lop. We will see similarities but also differences.

Unknowing of what to do with all this... rage?

I am feeling way too apathetic to really get all emotionally involved in this blog post but i just have to say that I have a huge disappointment in myself right now.

I have not been a banner mother, single or otherwise. I have not done all I could for my only child throughout his life. I have been a confused, clueless, idiot most of the time, but I have tried. I tried to do the best I could with my limited child rearing skills. I tried to keep food on the table and roofs over our heads with the help of my mom and dad and brother. I tried.

I tried to raise him with a sense of humor and laughter. And animals. I tried to give him my love of animals. I think that part worked. A success in my seemingly sea of failures.

My kid is wonderful. He is funny. He is actually hilarious. He has a zest for life. And he loves animals... He tries hard on things he is interested in, he is really good at playing video games but will also read a book if he feels like it.

He is scheduled to graduate in 2014, a mere 10 months from now.

The time has FLOWN BY. Seriously, everybody tells you that it will fly by. They all say you blink and they are grown. They aren't lying. It has gone so fast and it is speeding up day by day. Faster, and faster.

So here I am with my daily bitch session about my life.

A long time ago... I was on good terms with my "baby daddy". And, may I now say how much i loathe that phrase. Shudder. So We were on good terms, but we decided to make the child support agreement official. Which was a good choice on my part, I guess. I don't know where that breath of sanity came from really, but I did it. I filled out the paper work and I sent it in. Then they told me that I was entitled to more than $40 a week for child support.

It was a revelation.

Time went on. "baby daddy" paid CS when he was working like clockwork, we stayed fairly amicable for a while. But a time came when we were not amicable. Honestly, it was post-failed-reconciliation. Which makes me feel like a failure, even to this day. But that is another blog topic all-together. Ugh. Anyway, when my kid's dad wasn't working he paid no support, he got behind. When he worked he paid more to catch up.

Eventually I thought we needed to adjust the child support order when I lost my job, when he got promoted, I took a pay cut, etc this is boring me. Anyway point of the matter, I never really stayed on top of the child support terms. I never read it super closely, I thought I did, I didn't.

My son turned 18 in March, but he wont graduate until he is 19.

His child support ended when he turned 18. And... that sucks.

Let me get this clear... I don't need the money. But it sure helped. It helped keep groceries in my fridge or just the 'stuff' kids want or need or whatever. The past year I have pretty much given all the child support directly to my son and let him spend it on what he wanted, clothes, food, games, movies, hanging out with his friends, etc. It helped him get some experience with handling money, not overspending, using a debit card etc.

Now if I sound ungrateful or what ever, like a gold digging money hungry spoiled brat let me add this

My son has not seen his father for going on 4 years.

The last time he saw him was Thanksgiving of 2009. His dad picked him up from my family's Thanksgiving get together and brought him back the next day. My kid had a terrible time with his dad and his dad's new wife and her reportedly overbearing family. They had recently had a boy, then one year later they had a girl. My son was so excited to be a big brother, even if they were half siblings, it didn't matter to him. He loved his new brother and sister. He talked about them all the time. But after that Thanksgiving he has not seen them since.

So... then nothing. Time passed he tried calling or texting his dad, his dad's replies became fewer and farther between. Then one day "dad" texts my son and says something to the effect of "if you want to see me, get a hold of me". My son took that a whole lot better than I did. My son basically said "ok, I will" back to his dad, and told me that he had no intention of hanging out with his dad. I was ENRAGED. I could not believe the fucking audacity of his fucking father to say to a 14 year old child, that the ball was in his court if he wanted to 'hang out' with his dad it was up to him. FUCK YOU. You are the adult you make the plans, you drive the car, you pick him up, you make TIME for YOUR child. My son was hurt, but he is a hard ass like me, and shrugged it off. But as his mother, I know it hurt him more than he was letting on.

I have tried VERY hard over the past 18 year to NOT talk badly about his father in front of him. Of course, I am human and I have let a few comments slip over the years, but really, I HATED it when my parents talked shit about each other. When they separated and divorced and my mom would call my dad a bastard, and my dad would call my mom a bitch or they would say things that the other had done in front of us, or to us, ugh. It put me in a precarious position that made me feel panicked and scared and unsure of which way to turn. I did not want to do this to my own child. So I have held my tongue. I did not say these things to him about his father.

But you know what? Fuck that bastard. And fuck me for letting him do this shit to me, Fuck him for abandoning me while I was pregnant. And for doing meth and bringing all kinds of disgusting drugs into our home. And for getting CRABS and bringing that NASTY shit into 'our' home, that I was trying to make for 'us' together. And For the record, I never caught the fucking crabs because I refused to touch him or be near him at that point. I guess my saving grace was being 9 months pregnant, and that was a blessing. FUCK him for buying a dog instead of paying the electric bill. Fuck him for taking all the money out of our joint checking account without telling me and leaving me with the negative balance, no job and a tiny baby. Fuck him for impregnating some other girl right after I gave birth to our child. FUCK him for all that stupid shit he did when he was 20 years old. That's our shit, that's my shit, that's OLD SHIT. And I have been sick of that shit for years. I may be angry, but I'm. Over. It. But, I will NEVER forget that shit as long as I live. But at the end of the day I was the one who let that shit happen to me. We were both just kids. We were just a little older than how old my son is now. Kids are dumb, I was dumb and he was dumb too.

And I am ok with all that old shit. I don't dwell on it, I don't fester it. It's a hot, white anger. I'll always be mad about it, but it doesn't rule my life. But what I don't understand, or fathom, or get at all is ... If we were dumb kids back then, but we are grown up's now, and have been for a while, by design or necessity, then, What is his excuse for abandoning his child that he knew, held and loved all though his life, from when he was born, and started walking, and talking and eating plain ketchup and sour cream, and kindergarten, and took on his days off and on weekends and vacations, just like a 'normal' single/divorced/separated dad with shared custody. What is his excuse now? What has been his excuse for the past 4 years... Was it his new wife? His new son, new daughter? then another new son? My son has never met the littlest brother. It breaks my fucking heart. And I am 99% sure it breaks my sons heart too. But he doesn't show it. And when we do talk about it, he is very analytical about it. Matter of fact. I don't pester him for info or try to get him to spill his guts to me. If he wants to talk, he will.

I'm proud of my boy. He is an amazing young man.

I am ashamed of his father. And I pity him. He has lost the High School years. He has lost the acne, the facial hair, the CHEST HAIR! The break up with the first sweetheart, the break up with the crazy chick, the building of the EPIC GAMING COMPUTER. He missed out on meeting his amazing friends; who are hilarious, and misguided and *always* at my house. He missed out on his son growing up before his eyes. He missed out on his son sitting me down and asking in all dire seriousness, if his best friend could move in with us because his mother got into some trouble and lost custody of him. He missed seeing what a wonderful young man he has grown into.

He is missing the smiles, the twinkling eyes, the infectious laughter and he has also missed all the times when his son has needed a fucking father to be there for him.

He has missed out.

And now, his son has no legal stance for child support, health insurance or benefits while he finishes his time in school. He will start and end his Senior year of High School with the love from me and my family. My Dad, my Mom, my Brother.

So I am going to get over my bad self, and my anger and rage, and frustration with this situation, because we don't need that money. Insurance, that would be nice, don't get me wrong... but fuck it.

I am still kinda angry though.