I am feeling way too apathetic to really get all emotionally involved in this blog post but i just have to say that I have a huge disappointment in myself right now.
I have not been a banner mother, single or otherwise. I have not done all I could for my only child throughout his life. I have been a confused, clueless, idiot most of the time, but I have tried. I tried to do the best I could with my limited child rearing skills. I tried to keep food on the table and roofs over our heads with the help of my mom and dad and brother. I tried.
I tried to raise him with a sense of humor and laughter. And animals. I tried to give him my love of animals. I think that part worked. A success in my seemingly sea of failures.
My kid is wonderful. He is funny. He is actually hilarious. He has a zest for life. And he loves animals... He tries hard on things he is interested in, he is really good at playing video games but will also read a book if he feels like it.
He is scheduled to graduate in 2014, a mere 10 months from now.
The time has FLOWN BY. Seriously, everybody tells you that it will fly by. They all say you blink and they are grown. They aren't lying. It has gone so fast and it is speeding up day by day. Faster, and faster.
So here I am with my daily bitch session about my life.
A long time ago... I was on good terms with my "baby daddy". And, may I now say how much i loathe that phrase. Shudder. So We were on good terms, but we decided to make the child support agreement official. Which was a good choice on my part, I guess. I don't know where that breath of sanity came from really, but I did it. I filled out the paper work and I sent it in. Then they told me that I was entitled to more than $40 a week for child support.
It was a revelation.
Time went on. "baby daddy" paid CS when he was working like clockwork, we stayed fairly amicable for a while. But a time came when we were not amicable. Honestly, it was post-failed-reconciliation. Which makes me feel like a failure, even to this day. But that is another blog topic all-together. Ugh. Anyway, when my kid's dad wasn't working he paid no support, he got behind. When he worked he paid more to catch up.
Eventually I thought we needed to adjust the child support order when I lost my job, when he got promoted, I took a pay cut, etc this is boring me. Anyway point of the matter, I never really stayed on top of the child support terms. I never read it super closely, I thought I did, I didn't.
My son turned 18 in March, but he wont graduate until he is 19.
His child support ended when he turned 18. And... that sucks.
Let me get this clear... I don't need the money. But it sure helped. It helped keep groceries in my fridge or just the 'stuff' kids want or need or whatever. The past year I have pretty much given all the child support directly to my son and let him spend it on what he wanted, clothes, food, games, movies, hanging out with his friends, etc. It helped him get some experience with handling money, not overspending, using a debit card etc.
Now if I sound ungrateful or what ever, like a gold digging money hungry spoiled brat let me add this
My son has not seen his father for going on 4 years.
The last time he saw him was Thanksgiving of 2009. His dad picked him up from my family's Thanksgiving get together and brought him back the next day. My kid had a terrible time with his dad and his dad's new wife and her reportedly overbearing family. They had recently had a boy, then one year later they had a girl. My son was so excited to be a big brother, even if they were half siblings, it didn't matter to him. He loved his new brother and sister. He talked about them all the time. But after that Thanksgiving he has not seen them since.
So... then nothing. Time passed he tried calling or texting his dad, his dad's replies became fewer and farther between. Then one day "dad" texts my son and says something to the effect of "if you want to see me, get a hold of me". My son took that a whole lot better than I did. My son basically said "ok, I will" back to his dad, and told me that he had no intention of hanging out with his dad. I was ENRAGED. I could not believe the fucking audacity of his fucking father to say to a 14 year old child, that the ball was in his court if he wanted to 'hang out' with his dad it was up to him. FUCK YOU. You are the adult you make the plans, you drive the car, you pick him up, you make TIME for YOUR child. My son was hurt, but he is a hard ass like me, and shrugged it off. But as his mother, I know it hurt him more than he was letting on.
I have tried VERY hard over the past 18 year to NOT talk badly about his father in front of him. Of course, I am human and I have let a few comments slip over the years, but really, I HATED it when my parents talked shit about each other. When they separated and divorced and my mom would call my dad a bastard, and my dad would call my mom a bitch or they would say things that the other had done in front of us, or to us, ugh. It put me in a precarious position that made me feel panicked and scared and unsure of which way to turn. I did not want to do this to my own child. So I have held my tongue. I did not say these things to him about his father.
But you know what? Fuck that bastard. And fuck me for letting him do this shit to me, Fuck him for abandoning me while I was pregnant. And for doing meth and bringing all kinds of disgusting drugs into our home. And for getting CRABS and bringing that NASTY shit into 'our' home, that I was trying to make for 'us' together. And For the record, I never caught the fucking crabs because I refused to touch him or be near him at that point. I guess my saving grace was being 9 months pregnant, and that was a blessing. FUCK him for buying a dog instead of paying the electric bill. Fuck him for taking all the money out of our joint checking account without telling me and leaving me with the negative balance, no job and a tiny baby. Fuck him for impregnating some other girl right after I gave birth to our child. FUCK him for all that stupid shit he did when he was 20 years old. That's our shit, that's my shit, that's OLD SHIT. And I have been sick of that shit for years. I may be angry, but I'm. Over. It. But, I will NEVER forget that shit as long as I live. But at the end of the day I was the one who let that shit happen to me. We were both just kids. We were just a little older than how old my son is now. Kids are dumb, I was dumb and he was dumb too.
And I am ok with all that old shit. I don't dwell on it, I don't fester it. It's a hot, white anger. I'll always be mad about it, but it doesn't rule my life. But what I don't understand, or fathom, or get at all is ... If we were dumb kids back then, but we are grown up's now, and have been for a while, by design or necessity, then, What is his excuse for abandoning his child that he knew, held and loved all though his life, from when he was born, and started walking, and talking and eating plain ketchup and sour cream, and kindergarten, and took on his days off and on weekends and vacations, just like a 'normal' single/divorced/separated dad with shared custody. What is his excuse now? What has been his excuse for the past 4 years... Was it his new wife? His new son, new daughter? then another new son? My son has never met the littlest brother. It breaks my fucking heart. And I am 99% sure it breaks my sons heart too. But he doesn't show it. And when we do talk about it, he is very analytical about it. Matter of fact. I don't pester him for info or try to get him to spill his guts to me. If he wants to talk, he will.
I'm proud of my boy. He is an amazing young man.
I am ashamed of his father. And I pity him. He has lost the High School years. He has lost the acne, the facial hair, the CHEST HAIR! The break up with the first sweetheart, the break up with the crazy chick, the building of the EPIC GAMING COMPUTER. He missed out on meeting his amazing friends; who are hilarious, and misguided and *always* at my house. He missed out on his son growing up before his eyes. He missed out on his son sitting me down and asking in all dire seriousness, if his best friend could move in with us because his mother got into some trouble and lost custody of him. He missed seeing what a wonderful young man he has grown into.
He is missing the smiles, the twinkling eyes, the infectious laughter and he has also missed all the times when his son has needed a fucking father to be there for him.
He has missed out.
And now, his son has no legal stance for child support, health insurance or benefits while he finishes his time in school. He will start and end his Senior year of High School with the love from me and my family. My Dad, my Mom, my Brother.
So I am going to get over my bad self, and my anger and rage, and frustration with this situation, because we don't need that money. Insurance, that would be nice, don't get me wrong... but fuck it.
I am still kinda angry though.
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