OK, brief synopsis of the Lynx issue.  This is in the Mini Rex breed.  The Mini Rex Standards Committee is proposing changes to the Lynx color description that will change the desired undercolor of the animal.  It is currently to be white or off white with dove grey being desired as undercolor on the belly only.  The change would make dove grey undercolor all over the rabbit desirable, with white or off white to be severely faulted.  It is my understanding that the the majority of Lynx Mini Rex breeders do not want this change for a couple of reasons:
1. Although we know that a true genetic lilac agouti aka Lynx is to be dove grey undercolor, fawn intermediate band with lilac tipping, Lynx have been bred to fit a standard that required a white or off white undercolor.  (which is a DQ in Opals, btw).  So breeders have carefully selected for the animals that are true genetic lynx with white undercolor.  They have produced animals with dove undercolor all over the rabbit, which under the current standard, could easily be DQ'd.  These animals have not consistently reproduced the dove undercolor in their offspring.  There a several factors which tie into this.  I have suspected it is possibly linked to "e" non-extension.  Not too many standards ago, Lynx Mini Rex were genetically Fawns with smut.  Many of the Lynx still carry 'little e' which may be affecting the lightness or darkness of the dove grey undercolor.

Another theory of mine is that "w" wide band could be affecting the undercolor.  Wide band is a gene that is not exactly known and understood as well as say, the dilution, or pattern genes.  Those tend to be cut and dry; Dominant, Recessive etc.  Wide band can do funky things.  Not too many Standards ago, wide band Castors were also permissible.  A wide band castor will look like a Castor with a lot of red showing thru the surface color and will have no slate undercolor on the belly.  They also have a "double wide" intermediate band.  Some of the lynx with off white or white undercolor could be carrying wide band, "Ww".  When Mini Rex were first becoming a breed, wide band was very prevalent. You would see it in Castors, and Opals. Of course you WANT it in Reds for cleaner color, and more Rufus, as wide band and rufus tend to go hand in hand. And since the dilute Reds were shown as Lynx, it ties together.  

A long time ago, when I created my family of Lynx Netherland Dwarfs I also set out to create a wide band lynx, with the memory of the wide band Opal Mini Rex in mind. At that time the Dwarf standard DQ'd for dove undercolor anywhere on the animal.  So I wanted to make a "true' genetic lilac agouti without dove undercolor, that I could show and that was not a smutty Fawn.  When I finally got one, it was a doe and she had no dove undercolor on the belly and none on the top.  However the wide band gene also took away all the ring definition.  It was a long off white undercolor with a muddy blending of lilac and fawn at the outer 1/3 of the hair shaft.  But she was A-bbC-ddE-(ww), a Lilac Agouti. So I kept her and bred her and it's likely that some of my Lynx Dwarfs had a copy of the wide band gene floating around.  They also had white/off white undercolor.  So a combination of these factors, or other unknown factors could be contributing to the cause of the off white undercolor.  I did not prove or disprove either of these theories while breeding Lynx and Fawn Netherland Dwarfs.  Mainly because I wanted to breed Fawns and Lynx together and was not intending to eliminate 'e' from my Lynx.  But, for now that question will not be answered by me, as Amanda and I are no longer breeding Lynx and Fawns.

2. When you produce an animal that has what the genetic literature sites as the 'proper' or 'logical' undercolor, dove grey, these animals may not successfully reproduce themselves.  This can be tied back to them being heterozygous for non-extension, wide band, or unknown factors.  Because the Lynx Mini Rex breeders have not been able to successfully reproduce the dove undercolor over the entire animal from generation to generation, they do not wish to change the standard at this time to something that they see as an enigma.  They view it as going against the hard work and culling to produce animals with white/off white undercolor and the moving away from the Fawns or dilute Reds that used to be shown, and moving to the true Agouti animal we see on the show tables today.

What I would like to see is wording that allows both undercolors.  This may not be possible as the Standard is to be the description of the ideal.  I do not want to see the Lynx variety suffer, because of a strict change in undercolor description to something that has not been proven in the breeding pen.

I do have a few thoughts about how to improve the Lynx variety and increase the chances of dove grey under color.  In addition to breeding out the 'e' and 'w', non-extension and wide band, I recommend breeding Lynx to Opals that show excellent dark undercolor.  The Opals have been culled and selected for intensity of undercolor and definition of ring pattern.  When the Lynx is established as a variety which has dove grey undercolor over the entire animal, then we will start to see animals which will show clear and definite banding; dove grey undercolor, clearly defined Fawn intermediate band, with the lilac and Fawn tipping.  You will not see clear and precise banding on animals with white/off white undercolor, because what ever factor is causing the white undercolor is also muddying up the banding.  Why this phenomenon presents its self in Dilutes and not Normals I do not know.  I believe that it may be linked in part  to the factor that causes some Self Blues to 'snowball' or be 'frosty' as juniors, and sometimes molt out of it as adults.

I am not a Mini Rex breeder at this time, but have raised them in the past.  This is not just a 'Mini Rex' issue to me, it is an issue that affects any Lynx variety, because we are still learning and exploring this color and the genes that make it.  The Standard of Perfection is not a static document, it is malleable and changing.  I definitely believe that we should not change the Standard to fit the animal, but breed the animal that fits the standard, but in cases like these, we may be looking for a language ideal that does not translate to what we are given by nature.  I believe that the Lynx Mini Rex needs time to breed towards a goal, without being forced to throw away what currently exists.

I hate my job

so i need to do things to change my life... Ive been bitching and bitching lately about how much I hate my job.   I love my family and I cant abandon them, but I truly hate my job.  I have no love for the automobile industry.  I also have no education, I never went to college, so therefor all I have is experience.  Experience in things I hate doing, like running a business, doing book work, office stuff, selling cars or other stuff...things I hate.    I don't hate my customers for the most part.  I like talking and interacting with the majority of my customers.  There are a few bad apples of course, and I take a lot of abuse from those bad ones.  But whatever.  I think of what I would do to earn money to survive and to put my son through college and I have no clue.  I don't want to start over at some entry level job in a cube or at a big box retail store.  I don't want to run a damn cash register.  But I am 37 years old and I hate my job which in turn makes me hate my life and is part of the self-hate I have always seemed to deal with.  I can honestly say that I never, ever, ever envisioned myself being 37 and selling cars and running a car lot. I honestly can say that I always had the pie in the sky  dream of doing something with animals and probably wearing a lab coat. But I have never done one single thing to get myself into making that dream a reality.  I always have some lame excuse for why I fuck up everything I touch and never follow through with anything.  My kid tells me I hold him back in some ways by procrastination.  I know he is right, and I know he would be better off with out me around.
to be continued

DRAFT - Orange/Fawn/Cream Lop Color Guide and Holland Lop Standard

The differences between breed color descriptions is part of the uniqueness of individual breeds and is what in part helps keep the breeds from being dull, boring, miniature or gigantic replicas of each other with differing fur structure or ear carriage. I totally see the value of maintaining color guides and standards which are unique and relevant to each separate breed if it is of value to that breed. There are only a few ways you can describe "black" colored animals or "Ruby Eyed White", they are or they are not. There are a few more ways you can describe Chestnut Agouti colored animals, as they may vary in intensity of color, proportion of ticking and darkness or lightness of ticking, clarity of banding, depending partly on on family strain, fur structure from breed to breed; Rex, satin, normal fur, lop fur, length of coat, density of coat, etc etc. As you move to a few other colors on the color genetics spectrum, we start to notice more variance in appearance of colors that may share a basic genetic traits for color, or are theoretically supposed to. This discussion is to be focused on Orange/Fawn/Cream colors in the Lop and Holland Lop colored guide.  First I will say that understanding these colors takes a small dose of color genetics knowledge.  In basic terms all of these colors are agouti patterned, with full expression of yellow pigment, and greatly reduced  expression (aka non-extension) of black pigment.  Some may also be dilute versions of the former, which is exactly what it sounds like, the paler, more pastel version.  These are just the bare bones basic definition of Orange/Cream/Fawn.  Imagine a Chestnut Agouti colored rabbit.  It is helpful to think of the banded portions of the body as being made up of two parts, the yellow/orange and the black/slate. The hair is really all yellow and the black/slate portions are sitting on top of the yellow. Now imagine removing the yellow pigment from the hair.  What is left? a (mostly) solid yellow colored hair, over the portions where there was agouti banding, ticking, undercolor.  We still have lighter areas for belly color, but no undercolor on the belly, still have eye circles, ear lacking etc your familiar agouti patterned markings, but we have no black pigment to show agouti banding.  It's the black pigment that makes the banding.  er the top of the fur removed, what is left is just the yellow portions. But think of it this way, the hair is yellow and the black portions were on top of the yellow hair. which were there where you could see them (intermediate bands an example, we can look at an entry at the ARBA Convention of Orange Netherland Dwarfs and see a wide variety of shades, intensity, clarity of color as well as fur type. They will most likely all fall within the SOP's definition of "Orange Netherland Dwarf" and the fill the definition adequately for proper ND fur type, ranging in quality of coat, length, density, finish etc. Let's assume they all meet minimum requirements and are deemed "Orange Netherland Dwarfs". You could line them up by shade of color. At one end you put the darkest according to Rufus factor, which is richness and intensity of yellow/orange/tawny color, which is what our eye sees of their yellow pigment, at the other end you put the palest colored animals. The ones that show the least amount of intensity of color


 then  average Fawn colored Flemish Giant, an Orange colored Netherland Dwarf and an Orange colored Mini Lop. We will see similarities but also differences.

Unknowing of what to do with all this... rage?

I am feeling way too apathetic to really get all emotionally involved in this blog post but i just have to say that I have a huge disappointment in myself right now.

I have not been a banner mother, single or otherwise. I have not done all I could for my only child throughout his life. I have been a confused, clueless, idiot most of the time, but I have tried. I tried to do the best I could with my limited child rearing skills. I tried to keep food on the table and roofs over our heads with the help of my mom and dad and brother. I tried.

I tried to raise him with a sense of humor and laughter. And animals. I tried to give him my love of animals. I think that part worked. A success in my seemingly sea of failures.

My kid is wonderful. He is funny. He is actually hilarious. He has a zest for life. And he loves animals... He tries hard on things he is interested in, he is really good at playing video games but will also read a book if he feels like it.

He is scheduled to graduate in 2014, a mere 10 months from now.

The time has FLOWN BY. Seriously, everybody tells you that it will fly by. They all say you blink and they are grown. They aren't lying. It has gone so fast and it is speeding up day by day. Faster, and faster.

So here I am with my daily bitch session about my life.

A long time ago... I was on good terms with my "baby daddy". And, may I now say how much i loathe that phrase. Shudder. So We were on good terms, but we decided to make the child support agreement official. Which was a good choice on my part, I guess. I don't know where that breath of sanity came from really, but I did it. I filled out the paper work and I sent it in. Then they told me that I was entitled to more than $40 a week for child support.

It was a revelation.

Time went on. "baby daddy" paid CS when he was working like clockwork, we stayed fairly amicable for a while. But a time came when we were not amicable. Honestly, it was post-failed-reconciliation. Which makes me feel like a failure, even to this day. But that is another blog topic all-together. Ugh. Anyway, when my kid's dad wasn't working he paid no support, he got behind. When he worked he paid more to catch up.

Eventually I thought we needed to adjust the child support order when I lost my job, when he got promoted, I took a pay cut, etc this is boring me. Anyway point of the matter, I never really stayed on top of the child support terms. I never read it super closely, I thought I did, I didn't.

My son turned 18 in March, but he wont graduate until he is 19.

His child support ended when he turned 18. And... that sucks.

Let me get this clear... I don't need the money. But it sure helped. It helped keep groceries in my fridge or just the 'stuff' kids want or need or whatever. The past year I have pretty much given all the child support directly to my son and let him spend it on what he wanted, clothes, food, games, movies, hanging out with his friends, etc. It helped him get some experience with handling money, not overspending, using a debit card etc.

Now if I sound ungrateful or what ever, like a gold digging money hungry spoiled brat let me add this

My son has not seen his father for going on 4 years.

The last time he saw him was Thanksgiving of 2009. His dad picked him up from my family's Thanksgiving get together and brought him back the next day. My kid had a terrible time with his dad and his dad's new wife and her reportedly overbearing family. They had recently had a boy, then one year later they had a girl. My son was so excited to be a big brother, even if they were half siblings, it didn't matter to him. He loved his new brother and sister. He talked about them all the time. But after that Thanksgiving he has not seen them since.

So... then nothing. Time passed he tried calling or texting his dad, his dad's replies became fewer and farther between. Then one day "dad" texts my son and says something to the effect of "if you want to see me, get a hold of me". My son took that a whole lot better than I did. My son basically said "ok, I will" back to his dad, and told me that he had no intention of hanging out with his dad. I was ENRAGED. I could not believe the fucking audacity of his fucking father to say to a 14 year old child, that the ball was in his court if he wanted to 'hang out' with his dad it was up to him. FUCK YOU. You are the adult you make the plans, you drive the car, you pick him up, you make TIME for YOUR child. My son was hurt, but he is a hard ass like me, and shrugged it off. But as his mother, I know it hurt him more than he was letting on.

I have tried VERY hard over the past 18 year to NOT talk badly about his father in front of him. Of course, I am human and I have let a few comments slip over the years, but really, I HATED it when my parents talked shit about each other. When they separated and divorced and my mom would call my dad a bastard, and my dad would call my mom a bitch or they would say things that the other had done in front of us, or to us, ugh. It put me in a precarious position that made me feel panicked and scared and unsure of which way to turn. I did not want to do this to my own child. So I have held my tongue. I did not say these things to him about his father.

But you know what? Fuck that bastard. And fuck me for letting him do this shit to me, Fuck him for abandoning me while I was pregnant. And for doing meth and bringing all kinds of disgusting drugs into our home. And for getting CRABS and bringing that NASTY shit into 'our' home, that I was trying to make for 'us' together. And For the record, I never caught the fucking crabs because I refused to touch him or be near him at that point. I guess my saving grace was being 9 months pregnant, and that was a blessing. FUCK him for buying a dog instead of paying the electric bill. Fuck him for taking all the money out of our joint checking account without telling me and leaving me with the negative balance, no job and a tiny baby. Fuck him for impregnating some other girl right after I gave birth to our child. FUCK him for all that stupid shit he did when he was 20 years old. That's our shit, that's my shit, that's OLD SHIT. And I have been sick of that shit for years. I may be angry, but I'm. Over. It. But, I will NEVER forget that shit as long as I live. But at the end of the day I was the one who let that shit happen to me. We were both just kids. We were just a little older than how old my son is now. Kids are dumb, I was dumb and he was dumb too.

And I am ok with all that old shit. I don't dwell on it, I don't fester it. It's a hot, white anger. I'll always be mad about it, but it doesn't rule my life. But what I don't understand, or fathom, or get at all is ... If we were dumb kids back then, but we are grown up's now, and have been for a while, by design or necessity, then, What is his excuse for abandoning his child that he knew, held and loved all though his life, from when he was born, and started walking, and talking and eating plain ketchup and sour cream, and kindergarten, and took on his days off and on weekends and vacations, just like a 'normal' single/divorced/separated dad with shared custody. What is his excuse now? What has been his excuse for the past 4 years... Was it his new wife? His new son, new daughter? then another new son? My son has never met the littlest brother. It breaks my fucking heart. And I am 99% sure it breaks my sons heart too. But he doesn't show it. And when we do talk about it, he is very analytical about it. Matter of fact. I don't pester him for info or try to get him to spill his guts to me. If he wants to talk, he will.

I'm proud of my boy. He is an amazing young man.

I am ashamed of his father. And I pity him. He has lost the High School years. He has lost the acne, the facial hair, the CHEST HAIR! The break up with the first sweetheart, the break up with the crazy chick, the building of the EPIC GAMING COMPUTER. He missed out on meeting his amazing friends; who are hilarious, and misguided and *always* at my house. He missed out on his son growing up before his eyes. He missed out on his son sitting me down and asking in all dire seriousness, if his best friend could move in with us because his mother got into some trouble and lost custody of him. He missed seeing what a wonderful young man he has grown into.

He is missing the smiles, the twinkling eyes, the infectious laughter and he has also missed all the times when his son has needed a fucking father to be there for him.

He has missed out.

And now, his son has no legal stance for child support, health insurance or benefits while he finishes his time in school. He will start and end his Senior year of High School with the love from me and my family. My Dad, my Mom, my Brother.

So I am going to get over my bad self, and my anger and rage, and frustration with this situation, because we don't need that money. Insurance, that would be nice, don't get me wrong... but fuck it.

I am still kinda angry though.

Kentucky.

Your food is good and your people are nice.

Unfinished Business Part 1.

There has to be something wrong with me.

Something that is so fundamentally miss-wired that I am incapable of functioning as an average normal person, with average normal interests, average normal friends, and average normal love.

So here it is...
I have loved you since the day we met. We started this whirlwind relationship on road trips, bands, beer and Wild Turkey. I knew I loved you the first time you called me "killer". As pathetic and cliche that is. You called some other girl when I thought we were on our first date.

I kissed you, and then I threw up; the fucking Wild Turkey, all over myself. You drove me home, my dogs ran away, we caught them, and you disappeared. The next day all you could do was accuse me of fucking the neighbor.

But, I was in love with you.

You became like my right arm. You followed me where I went, I followed you. We spent almost every moment together, waking and sleeping. You took my child fishing.

What I felt with you was such a confusion. You kept me close to you but always just far enough away that I never knew what the fucking hell was going on. You joked with acid edged words, about me fucking every guy I met. You have jokingly accused me of being drunk and slutty, fucking every bartender I met. But none of it was ever true.

Until the night you blew me off for a 17 year old high school girl with a stupid name. And I did something you would never forgive me for. Even though I told you that you cant have it both ways, you cant fuck some 17 year old and expect me to be there waiting for you, to be your girlfriend in every way except the physical. Every fucking way. To be there with you, together with you every day, every single day, inseparable as each other's right arms. But you claimed to not want me. So when things happened with me and someone else, you made me feel like a traitor. Somehow, you walked way innocent with the weight of guilt on me, your actions with the 17 year old fully deflected away. I was the one who sinned. And truth be told, it was a sin, because I did it with malice. I did it with anger and hurt in my heart. You hurt me, so I fucked your room mate. But who did it really hurt in the end? Me.

But nothing really changed. Months like the cans of beer, they stacked up, a year went by, more time. I honestly don't even know how long, it just went. We spent my money, we ate Chinese food, you made me gravy and I washed your dishes. We hunted for Morels. We fished, and shopped at Sheel's. We saw bands, and bands, and bands with your arm around my shoulders, we slept on a mattress on the floor.

I was wearing an emerald green cardigan the night at GT when I couldn't hold my shit together any more. I just started crying. Sitting at the second booth. I had a Stoli and tonic. Kibbee and Greg were there. Greg left, he said he couldn't handle the tears. The only thing I could say was that I loved you. You had your arm around me and said you loved me too. But I knew it was not the same kind of love. I couldn't stop crying. It was as hopeless as can be. The next day, I found out that I passed out under my jeep in your driveway. You searched for me all night long, but never found me.

As I live and breathe, I have never loved any man since the day we met.

I didn't love Greg. I feel to this day that I started dating him, ruining my friendship with Kibbee because I needed to feel something other than what I felt for you. I felt like I needed to throw myself into a fire. I needed to self destruct.

And I did.

I don't know if you even gave a fuck. I don't know if you cared that I was with him. Or that you were just glad to not have me around. Not have me sleeping in your bed anymore. Not to have to look at me every day. Were you at all feeling guilt? Did you care that I was in his arms? Did you need me to be with him for you to let yourself let me go? Or was it just easier if I was occupied?

Clutching a glass of vodka I smiled, throwing back shots I feigned happiness. With whiskey on my breath I proclaimed the awesomeness of my friends, the love for my boyfriend and my awesome life. With that bottle in my hand I could do this. I could carry on this facade. But it was a mess. I was a mess. You were by all accounts happy. You had a girlfriend. We all hung out together. You and her and me and him. I pretended.

Clearly I am the fucked up one. You moved on with your life. I got dumped. Even though I officially called it off with Greg, it was abundantly clear that I was dumped. He turned around and never spoke to me again and was pregnant with his new girlfriend within a month.

I can not sit here and say I didn't have feelings for him. I cant sit here and say that I wasn't hurt by him. I cant say, it wasn't life changing. But I can also say that I didn't love him. I didn't love him the way he needed. I never gave him all of me. I kept my heart locked tight. It wasn't fair to Greg, but that is how it was. The entire relationship was based on the fact that I loved you, you didn't want me, you loved someone else, so I needed to be with someone else too. Obviously, it didn't work. That is how incredibly fucked up I am.

Everything I have done has been to try to convince myself that I do not love you, I do not need you, and it is ok that we just call each other our 'best friends'.

You moved away. I told myself it was a good thing. You were happy with her. I liked her, a lot. She was good shit. I told myself this is how adults live their lives. They have friends, their friends have girlfriends, people move away, they stay in touch, they stay friends. Life goes on. Life goes on.

I was standing still.

I watched you marry her. I put on my brave face. I steeled my heart, I framed up my walls and smiled. I was happy for you. I was happy that you were happy. Truly, my best friend was happy. Regardless of how I may have felt about myself, or what your marriage meant to my feelings for you, I was happy that you were happy.

But I distanced myself from you. As I let the miles separate us, I tried to drive a wedge in my own heart with a rusty hammer and force myself to not feel what I felt. I kept that tiny black heart of mine under lock and key. I threw that key into the Iowa river when we left your wedding. I dove into that whiskey river. I swam in a sea of booze, drifting this way or that. Maybe I was searching for that key I tossed into the waves. Maybe I was fighting the current that was sweeping me away from you. But I was soaking wet to the very bones. I was swimming towards self destruction. Drinking was my part time job. It's what we did together, so it was what I was gonna do with out you. It is all I wanted to do without you.

Nothing I have done has felt real or true between then and now. I have floated through my life. I can not put numbers on the times I got shitty drunk and cried myself to sleep asking why I love you. Why I cant let you go, why I cant move on. What is it?

But I've been drying out. But the thing about drying out after being so wet for so long is that you become rough, your fabric becomes weak, your seams fray and unravel. Your color fades and you lose your shape. You look different than before, and you feel different. You are used, worn and less useful. When you get wetted down again, because you know you will, you never seem to hold as much liquid as you did before, and your structural integrity is compromised. You are a sloppy wet rag that drips fucking tears at every turn.

You got divorced. I held your hand and did what a friend should do. I was not happy you got divorced. I was sad and worried about you. I hurt, because I know you hurt even though your words said you did what you could to make it work, but it didn't work so that is that.

I fill my life with shit. I fill it with people who may or may not give a fuck about me. I fill it with things, with food, with rabbits. But my heart, it's pretty much so small that it cant hold even a drop of blood at this point.

To be continued.

The War by Lucero

We have rented the property that houses our family business for the past 16 years from a man named Glen Tyler Sr. Today I learned that our sweet landlord had passed away yesterday, at the age of 87 years. He was a WWII Veteran of the Navy, did 3 tours in the South Pacific and trained soldiers for the Korean War. He loved the heat of the South Pacific, and told me often that he would have stayed there forever if he could have. He started, operated and built his successful refuse company in Des Moines for more than 40 years. He grew his family in West Des Moines and in Chariton, Iowa. He lived a life full to the brim with every experience he had and everything he did. His own voice told me of how much a rotten son-of-a-bitch he was before he changed his ways. He chewed my ass out on occasion, but never when I didn't need it. He always spoke of the Lord, and how he became a Christian. He had a certain insight into the workings of the world that is seldom seen these days. He worked his whole life and lived with a vigor, heartiness and exuberant smile, I can only dream of standing in the shadow of. He was fair and honest with every dealing he had with us, and only raised our rent once. We could not have asked for a better landlord and friend. We are going to miss his random visits to the office, and even the visits on the 5th of the month to collect the rent. Tomorrow he will be put to rest with the honor of a full military funeral. Sir, you were well loved and will be sorely missed.




This is a very special song written by Ben Nichols about his Grandfather. This song is loved by many folks who have lost their Grandpas who also served this country in World War II. Something about Lucero brings me joy and soothes my soul in hard times. I know this band has the same efect on many people. This is a fitting tribute to the Greatest Generation.

Lucero - The War - from the album 'Nobody's Darlings'

I got drafted at 19
Me and a bunch of boys from home
January ’43, drove out to Pine Bluff and signed on
Went to basic south of Birmingham
Put me on west coast bound train
Spent three days out in San Diego
And they shipped me back east again
Left a port out of New York
Slept for months in British rain
Tore it up down in London town
And they shipped me back out again
The preacher said “Boys he who is killed tonight will dine with the Lord in Paradise”
One boy spoke up, said “preacher come on, eat your supper with us
Never talk about those first days
Lots of friends left behind
But I made it all the way across France
And I fought at the Maginot line
Road a tank into Belgium
Like them better than the French
Like my daddy, thirty years before
I did my time in a trench
Lots of days there’s no water
But the liquor kept me warm
The cellars were stocked to the ceiling with booze
So I carried a bottle with my gun
The preacher said “Boys he who is killed tonight will dine with the Lord in Paradise”
One boy spoke up, said “preacher come on, eat your supper with us”
Three times I made sergeant
I’m not that kind of man
And pretty much just as quick as I could
I get busted back to private again
Cause taken’ orders never suited me
Giving them out was much worse
I could not stand to get my friends killed
So I took care of myself first
Now I know that don’t sound right
Don’t think too bad of me
Now it keeps me up nights
What I could have done differently
The preacher said “Boys he who is killed tonight will dine with the Lord in Paradise.”
One boy spoke up, said “preacher come on, eat your supper with us”
I’d be no guest at the table of the Lord
His food was not to be mine
‘Cause I cursed His name every chance that I could
And I recon that’s why I’m still alive

fucking disgusted

Well fuck me. What the fucking HELL did I do to make YOU block me on Facebook... So much for staying friends after you DUMPED my brother. I seriously have my feelings hurt now. Wow so many times this week. I think I will just stay home all weekend clean my house and just avoid people. All that seems to be happening to me is people hurting my feelings. It's fucking bullshit. Here I am crying again... fuck that shit.

Ya know what, I usually could care less what people think of me, but I just found out that I've been blocked by someone who I never ever, ever thought would do that and it hurts my fucking feelings. For the record I NEVER fed any info or pictures or anything like that from MY facebook to my brother, who is NOT on facebook. I never told my brother that you had a new boyfriend, he found out on his own. I kept my mouth shut, I did what I thought was fair to you and my brother. I wished you well, and THOUGHT we could still maintain some semblance of a relationship albeit different than it was at one time. I cant even begin to say how much this hurts my feelings. I mean I get it you guys broke up, called off the wedding and you've moved on with your life and that's great. I can see why you don't want to communicate with me anymore or have me as a friend on here, but even a little text or message saying "Hey I've gotta do this, hope you understand" would have been nice. I would probably not even have noticed if you unfriended me but since we have mutual friends, I see that you have either deactivated your account or blocked me. I just want to say that I have never trash talked you to anybody. Even when my brother and I have talked about the things that happened and the breakup. I feel like I am living through this break up along with my brother. We all feel the sense of loss and I guess this just makes it absolute. Believe me, I understand this very well, people break up, people get hurt and one person eventually moves on faster than the other. I just hope that you know I never tried to do anything to hurt you or your family. I will get over this as it is minuscule in the grand scheme of things, but I just wanted to put it out there that I am shocked and even hurt to find this out.

Just feeling a little... put off

I don't even know if its true. I don't have confirmation or anything like that. What i have is a picture on Facebook of a hand with a ring and lots of people congratulating her. What I DON'T have is a personal call or text message saying "I am getting married" or "I got engaged". So what she has in return is nothing from me. I cant help but feel like I have been slighted. I am supposed to be one of her best friends, whether we say that to each other or not, you cant be rabbit partners like we are unless you are good, close, confiding friends. I feel like I have been just lumped into a category all along with everybody else, like god and all of Facebook. Since when is it ok to get engaged and not tell your close friends personally? It fucking hurts my feelings. And if that makes me a selfish, crying, little baby then so be it.
I don't even think these are the types of things I wanted to write about in this fucking blog. I have so many more interests, but lately all i feel are petty emotions. I haven't been talking to another of my best friends since she bought herself almost the exact same purse as I have around Christmas time. Now THAT sounds incredibly petty. But that also hurt my feelings.
What it does is make me feel like, I don't know, overshadowed? Or unimportant? or like less than unique, less than interesting, less than I am.
And how do I go about explaining these feelings to this friend who doesn't even have a clue how much it bothered me that she bought the exact same color and brand, but different style of purse as I bought myself;? Typing it out is supposed to help clear my mind, right? Not working.
So these are things in my head

and one or two more

slightly off the wall

this one particular customer of mine.... 7 ways from Sunday. SEVEN WAYS FROM SUNDAY. I would. yep, I would. Well, maybe in an alternate reality.

and

strange events from a couple weeks ago, have left me still reeling. Some things never stay buried, even with all the mental dirt I have been trying to shovel over it. 7 years of imaginary dirt. damn... damn it to hell.

oh that darn dream...

I was married to a guy who was not much taller than me. We owned a business that did lots of different contracting type jobs, but he was doing a BIG job installing new custom cabinets and marble counter tops in this huge office that was like where the Underground bar is downtown. He and his brother had designed and built all the cabinets and wood things themselves. The job was just about finished and we were there looking over things and a few other people were there too, like his brother, the building/office owners and other people I didn't know. He was busy doing something and knowing that he was really busy and we needed to get this job done asap and get paid, I say to him "wanna to make out?" In the dream i knew that we had been married for 8 years and we had 2 young kids a blonde boy about 8 and a blonde girl with pig tails who was 5. And Mikey was older, he was there in the dream helping with the cabinets. (he had short hair in the dream, btw) So my husband gets up from the floor of what ever it was that he was doing and says "well, hell yeah" and picks me up off the ground and starts kissing me right there in front of everybody. and i am laughing and smiling and it's hilarious. Because we are old and married and have kids and he still loves me. And the part that makes me wish it was real is pretty obvious, because i deny that i want any of those things, but apparently my subconscious knows i am lying to myself because it's easier than thinking about that kind of thing which is not even possible in real life. so there you are.