i dont wanna

lots and lots of things i dont wanna do

but today i'm thinking about summer camp as a kid and why i felt the way i did every time i came home from camp.  I was struck with an overwhelming feeling of loss.  I remember pacing the basement floor (my play area as a kid) back and forth because i had no out let for my feelings.  I had no one to talk to about how lonely i felt leaving my friends at camp.  which were mostly the camp counselors, not often the campers my age.  but a couple times i made a few friends.
why as an 11, 12 or 13 year old was I so incredibly upset to come back home from camp? sure life at home wasn't spectacular, but it wasn't that.  it was that i was grieving over camp being over and saying goodbye to those people and that place.
why was i such a strange child? why was i so melancholy? why was i thrown into such a depression after camp that i could not function for days or weeks after ward? why did my parents do nothing? how could they have not known that something was wrong with me past just being "a little sad" about camp being over?
is this part of the reason that i feel like i have a tenuous connection to real life?

is this part of the things that i feel are wrong with me that have never been right?

is this part of the weirdness i have always felt compared to other people?

have i always been this way?

yes.  i have always been this way.  it is becoming clear to me as i get older and am still alive that i have always been weird.  i have always been different.  i have always had a hard time connecting to other people.  i have always internalized my feelings.  i have always kept my own confidences and my own secrets.  I do not reach out.  i did not reach out as a kid, and i don't as an adult.  i feel ok about not reaching out.  i do not trust other people.

for some reason summer camp seemed like an alternate reality where people weren't these mysterious creatures that randomly hurt you or used your feelings to inflict pain back at you.  summer camp was a time to be the special little flower you were.  we were on an even playing field.

summer camp was pretty much the best part of my childhood.

i regret not fulfilling my dream of going back and being a staff member.   i regret not going to college so i could have been a staff member.  I regret not finishing high school. i regret not going to college.  i regret a lot of things about that.

I am never going to be a 19 or 20 year old in charge of a group of kids who loved that camp as much as i did.

i regret that.

but i also what to know why my parents didn't have me in therapy as a kid to figure out what the hell was wrong with me before it was too late.

i feel like it is definitely too late now.