Eh.

May start trying to do this thing again. Having a bad day, maybe I will start off by obsessing over the little shitty things. eh, self loathing is a tad boring after a while. Really, today wasn't that bad. Just still kind of sad about the old girl, RTL passing away. Dying. Dieing. Dead. Put Down. Euthanized. Culled. Killed. Dead. Suppose it will get better. After all, I am not much of a 'crier'. If that is really a word, used correctly in this sense. Eh. I kind of want a nook, kindle or tablet. Eh. I think a lot about all the time i spent watching Hoarders while De-Hoarding my house. How they spoke to the people that had filled their houses with things seeming to be sense less useless or worthless to other people, but so important to the hoarders themselves. i keep thinking about a few individuals that may have had pets or animals in their hoarded house. When talking with the Doctor they try to point out that the Hoarder is hoarding things or animals so that they do not have to build relationships with the people in their lives. They have literally and figuratively filled their lives with things to squeeze out everything else. It's like that insulation foam that you spray into a small area and it fills the area pushing out the air and insulation the space from... cold, heat, the elements, drafts, chills, humidity, cushioning the structure from damage. Hiding it from damage. I think sometimes it's ok that I would rather hang out with my dog than meet new people or talk to those people i do have in my life. My dog never hurts my feelings. My rabbits never tell my secrets, they don't judge me for my actions, words or thoughts. They require care and attention and give back attention. I think that part of being a Hoarder is not caring that animals are not the same as humans. They don't give the same attention a human does, but they also can not hurt me the way humans do. i have been thinking about this a lot lately. I cant cry over the people in my life. Can't, or wont? I am not sure. But i can't stop crying over an 8 year old cancer ridden 3 pound rabbit who's 'name' was RTL. What even kind of name IS THAT? It stood for Red Tan Larry's. Was supposed to be LRT, but i didn't want to name a friggin rabbit after the LRT gun i used every fucking day at my job at the time. Love hate relationships, I always have those. Eh. I'm gonna fix my typos and end this for tonight. Too much ... apathy? Eh.